"I hate myself today. I hate myself because I am so powerless to do what I need to do. To wake up as I should, to study as I should, to finish what I must; to stop doing what is bad for me; to stop being the person that I know is not good for both me and my future. To be in the state that I should be in when I must; to obey as I should; to memorize all the words. I hate myself for being so disobedient; so prone to my own wants, desires and feelings. To be unable to think and reason; to not feel the Father's reassuring love; to not act in obedience to all that the Spirit prompts not to do. How many times has He chided me? When will I ever learn? Why do I get into these moods anyway? There is no good reason why I should. I am so egotistical, so proud, so double-minded, so inconsistent, lacking in discipline, hypocritical, incapable of loving, disobedient, rebellious, immoral, impatient, unable to do the most basic things. When will I ever learn to not take up so many things; having the continuous tendency to have to PROVE MY WORTH BY what I do? Am I not as smart as I should be? I am definitely not as obedient or as consistent as I should be. Not as mathematical as I should be?! And I know that I am just a bit stressed out by my "play now, pay later" tendency. What should be done must be done, and yet I seem to always get distracted and not do what I should. I need to just do as I ought. I think I am in bondage. Bondage to MSN can be easily dealt with, but towards Facebook I need to finish that game first. I think I am imploding again. The usual reason for this is because I do not have enough rest."
I wrote this sometime during the semester during one of my 'down days'. The last line summarizes up the root cause of why I went on this tirade. But I think you, my beloved reader, can see alot of the inner struggles, and workings of a troubled and disturbed soul, which you might even find in your own ruminations.
Now that the Semester is over, and I have finished almost all my work, I found that the paragraph helped to puts things into perspective again. And I have the joy to praise the Lord for bringing me through such 'dark days'!
ps. I managed to break the MSN and Facebook 'addictions'. Will look to new approaches next semester and allow my Kiasu side to give me some helpful tips on how to prepare for the new term with a 'battle plan' and on how to do "what is needed". Its time management and a good helping of sensibility thrown in. And if you can read btwn the lines in the above rant, you can tell I was heavily overcommitted, as I was not sure of the workload at STM. I have learnt my lesson (the hard way). Its either I change my way of working or decrease the load. :)
Congrats on finish ur semester... Me still struggling for the final 2 weeks... 3 more papers to go and hopefully I will be done with this degree.. haaa..
Take captive of the thought that you hate yourself.This is against the knowledge of God
(2 Cor 10:5 KJV) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
i feel like this all the time..den i rmb, i come b4 God every day not depending on how i feel..no matter wad i do dat day, whther i did sumting for the Lord anot, whther i sinned..it doesnt justify who i m..who i really m..a sinner..haha..i knw itz harsh..but it keeps me in place..so dat i dun think more of myself..and it does help..but sumtimes i NEED to keep reminding myself..=)
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Congrats on finish ur semester...
Me still struggling for the final 2 weeks...
3 more papers to go and hopefully I will be done with this degree..
haaa..
(2 Cor 10:5 KJV) Casting down imaginations,
and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God,
and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.
i feel like this all the time..den i rmb, i come b4 God every day not depending on how i feel..no matter wad i do dat day, whther i did sumting for the Lord anot, whther i sinned..it doesnt justify who i m..who i really m..a sinner..haha..i knw itz harsh..but it keeps me in place..so dat i dun think more of myself..and it does help..but sumtimes i NEED to keep reminding myself..=)
Regards,
MarcusDS