2008 was one of the best years of my life. It was the year where I learnt that my relationship with the Lord far outweighed any other thing I may ever try to do. There were down times as well, when I wandered, when I was disobedient to a clear directive or when I fell into temptation. Here are a few key milestones for the year and below you will find highlights for the year.

Seminary Theologi Malaysia
At the beginning of the year, I decided to 'quit the beaten path' and take up Theological studies. It was a welcomed and refreshing change which also made me appreciate my work in GPRO more. Many people I knew questioned the wisdom of such a decision, but I knew that this was something I needed to do. Through the past year or so, I have learnt to take up greater responsibility for my life and the lives of those around me. Seminary has also taught me a greater respect for His Word, and shown to me its incredible depth and its unspeakable treasures. I do not even know where to begin!

The Voice of the Beloved
This year was also the year where the Lord spoke to me clearly on many occasions. It was also the year when I discovered His true 'Father's Voice'. I only started recognizing His Voice once certain strongholds were broken and torn down. But once I learnt how to hear Him speak in such a manner, my entire outlook on life has changed. I learnt what "God is for us, not against us" truly means.

The Unwilling Leader
Like so many who have gone before me (and some who are learning from my own mistakes) I learnt how to take up greater roles in leadership (although I have always believed myself to be the worst leader imaginable- and still do) not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to learn humility, obedience and trust. I knew that I would (definitely) make many mistakes and fall flat on my face (on many occasions). But, through the 'testing' experiences I also learnt how to get up and walk away.

Learning to Let Go
This year was also special because I learnt how to say 'No' abit more firmly, and to let go of things outside of my control. Yes, I have to admit here that I have always been a control-freak till now; and I won't blame those who have worked with me if they would eye me suspiciously. I do not begin to claim that I have fully attained this understanding, but I have become more aware of the implications of my words and deeds, as I learn to not always demand my way. Of course, the right balance will always be needed, and prior to this I have always been one-sided. So, I praise God for freeing me!



Highlights for 2008 [For those who don't want to wade through the above stuff]
1. Joined STM and have been having a ball: relating on spiritual and 'earthly' issues with crazy, whacked out and sincere students. Learning servanthood and leadership. Learning humility, patience and insight.

2. Was part of MYPG. Seeing it become a reality always leaves me speechless. I know there will be more to come, but as I step back and allow Him to move, I'm blown away by the way He answers prayers and provides.

3. Realized my own small role in nation-building. I learnt that I do have an important part to play- both as a leader and as a friend, and I hope to put some of these principles into action next year. May the Lord continue to shine light on this dark path.

4. Felt His forgiveness. I sinned big-time this year- more than all my previous years as a Christian combined, and I wondered whether I could ever be forgiven of my depravity. But His grace washed over me almost instantaneously after the 'episode' and His love and compassion reduced me to a sobbing wreck. Now as I move closer into Him, I know that this will be standard practice.

5. Learnt the importance of obtaining a "Full Consensus." Through my mentor, I learnt how important it is to let the Lord lead through others, and not trying to dominate their actions or thinking by persuasion, emotional blackmail or cunning. This means trust, deeper prayer and a generous amount of patience. Which I have realized makes life much more fun and easy to bear, ironically.

6. Watched The Dark Knight. Was taken more by the story, plot and strength of characterization by all parties, and not just one. Identified alot with the film and clarified many of the approaches to which I have embraced. I hope to watch it again, God willing.

7. Allowing myself to fail. This, as mentioned above, has given me a greater propensity to try new things and attempt new projects, even with the prospect of failing big time. But the way becomes clearer, in spite of repeated mistakes and flops on my part, and even more so in the Path, I know that I'm not one of those 'do-it-right-the-first-time' guys. I tell myself to move on and learn from my mistakes.

8. Learning to take things one moment at a time. Living for Christ was reduced to a moment by moment creed; picking up from Brother Lawrence's advice on living everything for the Love of God, I have become more attentive to details. These words also free me from the obsessive need to please others all the time, and allowed me to embrace who I am in Christ, warts and all.

9. True humility is being able to be known for who you really are. This was another precious lesson learnt, going through the Yada lessons. I want to walk the path of humility, as Christ walked, and be known as a jerk, pervert, dumb, egoistic, chauvinistic pig, hypocrite of the first order, adulterer, bitter, and incorrigible sinner. Lord, have mercy.

10. Do not insult the intelligence of another. This lesson has made me change from my former overly-patronizing demeanor to one who just rattles on. Looking back, I realize I was so boorish I could be stuck to a wall and not be noticed. Now, I speak and disappear.

So that's a simple snapshot of what happened. There is so much more, but I tire from my own verbosity and if I do carry on, I'll just be repeating myself. So, here's to 2009 and the adventures it will bring!

I'm almost halfway through my semester. I know I'm lagging behind in many tasks. But, still need to stop to catch my breath and do a short update for those who might be wondering how things are going:

a) MYPG (19th July): Many new friendships were formed (and forged). Am proud of the way many of the Youth 'rose to the challenge' and some are even staking their lives on something that is not even in concrete form yet. Also am encouraged by the 'Crazy Northerners' (which includes the entire Alor Setar Gang, Marcus, Melchor, Natalie and Elaine + the whole Kuantan 'Kompany') who took the time to come. Not that the MYPG EVENT itself was a success per se (although we have had alot of good testimonies from it), but more so the fact that there are people who can be mobilized, and move at the trumpet call. Let us arise and be faithful to the Calling we have received. There is so much more ground that must be covered to see this 'vision' come to pass, and so much more sacrifices need to be offered up. I also await the arrival of 'others' in the form of new and 'alternative' groups who may hear about this and come alongside in the coming months.

b) Mum's 60th birthday (25th July): Went back last weekend for meetings and to spend an evening with mum (albeit at someone else's wedding dinner) but at least got to see her and bought some stuff for her to show my appreciation for the legacy she has left (and is leaving- she is not Home yet!). May the Lord Himself be her strength and stay.

c) Weddings: I've got EIGHT weddings this year. Not as much as some socialites, but August will be insane, what with two weddings going back to back in one weekend.

d) Studies: I'm not progressing as fast as I would like, although I have a better idea of what is expected. My own expectations for the second term is as high (if not higher) and I guess my kiasu streak remains. Problem with this is that I unconsciously encumber the youth with such 'unrealistic' ideals that most of them break under the pressure.

e) Politics: Alot of things have been going on. Here are a few that trouble me:

I don't know about you, but I'm so sick of the way the government is trying to buffoon its way around with the populace, thinking we are still living in the age where we will listen to everything we are told. And now with the recent scandals (sodomy allegations made on Saturday) and (possible death threats), see here for Anwar's most recent Press Statement released from the Turkish Embassy, at 5.30 pm today. Whatever vestiges of hope from the BN has evaporated clean out of the window. Even if Anwar is not the person that everyone can (or should) trust, the alternative seems to be infinitely worse.

Please, if there is anything we can do, do it. I will play my part to spread the word (as always) and continue talking to people about the gross inaccuracies of the Mainstream Media, the one-sided nature of government policies and the racist attitudes of many current BN politicians, including Najib, Hishamuddin and Khairy. These are the 'upcoming' hopefuls in UMNO, who are trying to lie low after the people's backlash in March. But other more determined people are doing their best to unearth the things some of these people are trying so desperately to hide.

If anything, I would be Malaysia's worst hypocrite.

Top ten reasons why:

10: I have not memorized the Scriptures and "hidden your word in my heart, that I may not sin against you..." (Psalm 119:11)
9: I have been proud, arrogant and impatient. I have not been "completely humble and gentle; [...] patient, bearing with [others] in love." (Eph 4:2)
8: I have not had a pure thought-life, and failed to think on "whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable— excellent or praiseworthy..." (Philippians 4:8)
7: I have jumped to conclusions too quickly and hurt people in the process. I have not been "quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to get angry." (James 1:19)
6: I have not kept my promises. I have not let my "yes be yes, and your no be no" (Matthew 5:37)
5: I have lusted after women in my heart and not "fled from sexual immorality..." (1 Cor 6:18)
4: I have not prayed "without ceasing..." (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
3: I have watched "p"-rated stuff as recently as May
2: I have judged others in my heart
1: I have been a stumbling block through the above actions to both Christians and non-Christians

As God shows mercy on me and forgives my sins just as I readily forgive those who have sinned against me, I hope that in time you may see some gradual changes.

"I hate myself today. I hate myself because I am so powerless to do what I need to do. To wake up as I should, to study as I should, to finish what I must; to stop doing what is bad for me; to stop being the person that I know is not good for both me and my future. To be in the state that I should be in when I must; to obey as I should; to memorize all the words. I hate myself for being so disobedient; so prone to my own wants, desires and feelings. To be unable to think and reason; to not feel the Father's reassuring love; to not act in obedience to all that the Spirit prompts not to do. How many times has He chided me? When will I ever learn? Why do I get into these moods anyway? There is no good reason why I should. I am so egotistical, so proud, so double-minded, so inconsistent, lacking in discipline, hypocritical, incapable of loving, disobedient, rebellious, immoral, impatient, unable to do the most basic things. When will I ever learn to not take up so many things; having the continuous tendency to have to PROVE MY WORTH BY what I do? Am I not as smart as I should be? I am definitely not as obedient or as consistent as I should be. Not as mathematical as I should be?! And I know that I am just a bit stressed out by my "play now, pay later" tendency. What should be done must be done, and yet I seem to always get distracted and not do what I should. I need to just do as I ought. I think I am in bondage. Bondage to MSN can be easily dealt with, but towards Facebook I need to finish that game first. I think I am imploding again. The usual reason for this is because I do not have enough rest."

I wrote this sometime during the semester during one of my 'down days'. The last line summarizes up the root cause of why I went on this tirade. But I think you, my beloved reader, can see alot of the inner struggles, and workings of a troubled and disturbed soul, which you might even find in your own ruminations.

Now that the Semester is over, and I have finished almost all my work, I found that the paragraph helped to puts things into perspective again. And I have the joy to praise the Lord for bringing me through such 'dark days'!

ps. I managed to break the MSN and Facebook 'addictions'. Will look to new approaches next semester and allow my Kiasu side to give me some helpful tips on how to prepare for the new term with a 'battle plan' and on how to do "what is needed". Its time management and a good helping of sensibility thrown in. And if you can read btwn the lines in the above rant, you can tell I was heavily overcommitted, as I was not sure of the workload at STM. I have learnt my lesson (the hard way). Its either I change my way of working or decrease the load. :)